Death helps us live

When I began reporting on longevity, I thought that doing hours and days—and now years—of research on it would give me even an iota more control over my eventual death.

"You could do everything right,” says Amber Thuston, MSc, LPCC, a licensed professional clinical counselor who specializes in grief, “and still die of cancer.” She doesn’t say this morbidly or unkindly.

In accepting our mortality, allowing ourselves to grieve what we have lost, and what we will lose, she explains that we also make room to live more fully.

But knowing is one thing, and living by it another. So how do we begin?

How at peace are you with your own mortality?

Key takeaways

Death is part of life. Acceptance is facing reality, even with fear, without dwelling.
Processing the grief that comes with loss and finite time can help with acceptance, and it can help you evolve.
Accepting aging, death, and grief is linked to living longer, and with more years in good health.

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We live in a death-fearing society

The first thing to understand is that Western civilization is a death-fearing society. Other Indigenous or global communities welcome it, Thuston explains.

It comes down to "fear of not understanding things and not being open to understanding things,” she says.

Lifespan optimization, biohacking, and longevity add new complexities. Positively, longevity has shifted more toward extending quality of years (healthspan), not just quantity of years (lifespan). Still, it rarely acknowledges practices for navigating the burden of grief or accepting death and aging.

An estimated 10% of adults bereaved by a loved one’s death will develop prolonged grief. For millions of adults, this can significantly affect daily functioning, happiness, and other health behaviors and conditions.

How to accept death to live better

Thuston’s strategies for approaching mortality involve feeling grief, reframing death, and practices to look beyond your current reality.

Feel and heal grief

Grief is how we respond to a loss of any kind: a death, a pet, a relationship, an identity, or even a familiar place. “It's an experience that uproots everything in our lives,” Thuston says.

As we get older, the losses (and grief) grow. If we haven’t processed it, we tend to turn inward and stop engaging with the world, like the grandfather in Up. That may not serve long-term happiness or well-being.

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"Don't be afraid to process and carry grief, because you don't know the beautiful person you could become on the other side,” she says.

First, notice and name it (it may take time, and that’s OK). Once you’re able to face your grief, practice feeling it without avoidance.

Feeling is part of healing because healing is not about getting rid of grief. We carry it with us, so moving forward is moving through it and allowing it to exist.

Sometimes, though, “grief rears its ugly head.” When sudden and heavy grief attacks hit, feel it and trust you’ll move through it. A psychologist or qualified counselor can support you more than going at it alone.

Reframe death

"The body is not meant to live forever,” Thuston said. “And why would we want to? That would be horrible.”

Thuston suggests reframing death as a natural part of life. This reframing makes room for acceptance, which helps us be more present, she explains. Presence is important because it allows us to have more awareness and dignity over the choices we make.

“If we can strive to control how anxiety about death impacts upon us, we can avoid potentially negative or destructive behavior,” according to The Art of Dying Well.

Cognitive behavioral techniques can help people who are experiencing death anxiety and struggling to reframe it.

One technique includes facing reminders of death. Experts suggest starting small with non-graphic visual reminders, like a memento mori, to slowly normalize the experience.

But if it feels too overwhelming, it’s best to talk it through with a mental health professional.

Choose presence and rituals

Acceptance happens in the present, but the pull of anxiety around grief, loss, or death can keep us from being with our emotional experience.

Thuston recommends practices that ground you in the ‘rhythm of being present.’

Smell a flower. Meditate. Go in nature or just be aware of your surroundings: "The trees are so beautiful. I can hear the birds… I'm hungry. I'm going to enjoy a salad," she explains.

Presence moves us closer to acceptance, and it’s also a way to bring yourself back to who you want to be today.

Rituals also help us remember who we’ve lost, and they can also bring us back to the present moment. “All rituals are just intention," she explains. Have rituals you trust to support daily activities, healing, and healthy remembering.

Consider spirituality or religion

Spirituality describes a connection with a higher source ("whatever you want to call it," Thuston explains).

People have practiced spirituality and religion for this exact purpose for millennia, and higher levels of spirituality are even linked to a lower risk of dying.

For Thuston, it doesn't replace clinical assessment, but it allows patients to go deeper than they normally would in processing grief and loss.

In daily life, she recommends doing more of whatever helps you feel connected to life. It doesn't have to be church or yoga or shamanic rituals (though it can be).

What does acceptance look like?

Thuston frames acceptance as acknowledging the reality head-on. It’s being able to admit, "Okay, I'm older, people are dying around me,” she says.

Acceptance isn’t the same as apathy, and it’s human to feel fear.

In a YouTube video, a licensed hospice nurse called Hospice Nurse Julie explains that being comfortable with death doesn’t mean not feeling fear, anger, and sadness at times.

Acceptance, in practice, means living life, being social, and staying in the present moment without dwelling on anxiety or grief. Grieving, if you give it a chance, can even be beautiful, Thuston says.

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"If there's an elder that's dying, everybody comes to the house, they party, they eat… Do you know how powerful that is?"

Death can allow us to live

Accepting death is not rejecting life, but accepting the reality that time is limited and out of our control. Grief connects us to our losses, and both help us be more present and intentional in our lives.

Even when you're healthy, "say your I love-yous" and reconcile with others because tomorrow isn’t guaranteed, Thuston says.

“We can’t escape the inevitable, so how are you going to live your life today?”

Poll response

This question was featured in: The sleep stage that may matter most for healthy aging. We asked.

What amount of sleep makes you feel best the next morning?

Most people need a Goldilocks amount of sleep (ie, around 7 hours). ‘Just right,’ according to national sleep recommendations. But the more important thing to focus on is that sleep quality isn’t based on hours sleeping alone.

How deeply you sleep, and how long you spend in dream sleep, matter more. Luckily, that’s something we can all have a bit more control over.

Until next time!
Erin

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The information provided about wellness and health is for general informational and educational purposes only. We are not licensed medical professionals, and the content here should not be considered medical advice. Talk to a doctor before trying any of these suggestions.