How to make friendship easier as an adult

In grade school, a mutual love of purple things or action heroes is enough to find your ride-or-die crew. Sex and the City, Entourage, and Friends make adult friendship feel just as effortless and permanent, yet pop culture rarely models real friendship, says journalist Anna Goldfarb, a friendship expert and the author of Modern Friendship. We spend a lifetime waiting for our entourage, when friendship might be the exact opposite. 

No matter our age, we can always learn to be a better friend and support our own long-term well-being and aging. Goldfarb shares ways to improve our relationships, navigate changes, and make new friends as an adult.

A famous analysis of 148 studies and more than 300,000 adults found that strong social ties can improve the odds of long-term survival by 50% compared to weaker ties. It seems that friendship is one of the primary ways we build social support.

More recent research links stronger connections with slower biological aging, suggesting that quality relationships in all their forms—friends, family, partners, and even our peripheral network—add health to our years, shown to reduce depression, loneliness, and inflammation.

Friends make us feel more gratitude, too. It’s nice to care about other people, Goldfarb says, which is probably why folks with great friendships tend to report a more positive outlook on life, happiness, and purpose.

Rather than becoming overwhelmed by it all, we can choose to focus on our own mindset and how we show up as a friend to others to experience more joy, fulfillment, and possibilities in our friendships.

There are many ways to nurture friendship and deeper connections—and many more reasons to do so—but it mostly comes down to learning what it means to show up.

Being useful is one of the quickest ways to become a better friend and make new friends. It’s also a way to build purpose. “The way people care about you is from you being intentional and deciding to invest in [them],” Goldfarb explains. 

Being useful can sound obligatory, but it isn’t necessarily a chore or a way of you ‘buying’ friendship. 

Helpfulness is an orientation, says Goldfarb. It might not be natural to you like it is to her, but it’s something you can nurture. Offer to drive someone to the airport, even if they could get an Uber. Connect someone to a plumber you liked. After a few decades, you’re now sitting on a lifetime of contacts and support.

People evolve, values change, and friendship dynamics shift, especially as we enter different life stages. You may have had someone you would call a best friend five years ago who might not have that role anymore. It helps to let go of the pressure to keep this person in that role.

The opposite can happen, too, but it doesn’t mean you aren’t still valuable in their life, Goldfarb explains. “I may not be my friend’s number one, but I’m a link to a part of her that she can’t get anywhere else.”

This is a mindset shift that can take away pressure and anxiety about your relationships while opening you to new ways to experience friendship.

It’s also important to acknowledge that friendships fade. On average, we lose around half our friends every seven years, she says (though we tend to make new ones as well!). It can shake your confidence and cause emotional hurt, but the losses can also help you build resilience, take stock of values that are important to you, and open you up to new friendship opportunities.

You don’t need a relationship with everyone you’ve ever met.

Goldfarb recommends actively nurturing two or three friendships at any given time (she says three to five close friends are enough, and science might agree). These connections can change or stay the same. Be open to both.

Gratitude is not only linked to a longer life, but it can also help us show up as friends. Goldfarb views it as a privilege when friends share their wins, losses, ups, and downs with her. In your life, practice gratitude by reminding friends 1) why you appreciate them, 2) that you’re still there for them, and 3) that you are glad when they confide in you.

But being a friend to others starts with understanding yourself.

“Start watching, reading, and listening to things,” Goldfarb recommends. Explore who you are and what you love to find your people. It can change as you get older, so Goldfarb recommends giving friendships room to change.

Friendship can make life rich and meaningful, and strongly influence how you age. Whether you’ve had successful friendships or want deeper connections, find your thing and show up for others.

Have a great day!
Erin

The information provided about wellness and health is for general informational and educational purposes only. We are not licensed medical professionals, and the content here should not be considered medical advice. Talk to a doctor before trying any of these suggestions.