I know many lonely men.
I also know men who aren’t lonely — more often than not, they play golf, or they’re married…or both.
Men tend to need an activity to justify being together. Women don’t need a tee time to spend time together. They show up for each other with no agenda. This gap might be killing us, men.
When my parents died back-to-back in 2011, I holed up—alone—in a New York apartment, drinking and smoking. On some days, I did not leave the bed.
My health followed my grief straight down. When friends and family checked on me, my pat response was “I am fine.” I wasn’t.
My male pride was the enemy.
Yet meaningful connections are the single most consistent predictor of a long life, based on the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which has tracked human flourishing for 85 years. Not diet, not exercise, not genetics—connection.
Women didn’t need a study to figure it out.
Friendship is not Wi-Fi
It’s not that men lack friends, exactly. The problem seems to be the practice of friendship.
I notice that women see friendship as maintenance — something you tend to regularly, like a career or a garden — while men treat friendship like WiFi: it should just work, and if it doesn’t, we’ll deal with it later.
Later, it turns out to have a cost. In 2023, U.S. men had a life expectancy of 75.8 years; for women, it’s 81.1 years. Nearly a third of men who died that year were under 65, compared to 19% among women.
For decades, medical research was built around male bodies but we squander our advantage with bad habits and avoidance.
Life expectancy isn’t all behavior — it’s biology, and it does not always favor men. But what isn’t biology is a choice, and it’s not always the healthiest one.
In the past year, studies show that men were 24% less likely than women to have seen a doctor. More than half of all men skip regular screenings.
The excuses are familiar (‘I’m too busy.’ ‘It’ll heal.’ ‘I’m OK’).
We were told to toughen up. No whining, no complaining, act like a man. And most of us got pretty good at it — good enough to convince ourselves, anyway.
But behind the bravado, many of us are not fine. That’s exactly when friendship and trusting relationships count the most.
It’s probably why healthy marriages work so well.
Do men need marriage more?
One study found that single men face a 32% higher risk of death over a lifetime compared to married men.
Men living alone have nearly twice the risk of dying compared to men who live with someone. Not the case for women living alone.
The reason might be explained by this statistic: nearly 74% of men first turn to a spouse or partner for emotional support.
Who’s there to spot the skin cancer on your back?
Falling in love pulled me out of that apartment in New York City. Two years later, my wife Yaz noticed my janky breathing, which led to a doctor visit, then my heart stents.
When a woman loses her partner, she grieves, but she is resilient. When a man loses his, he can lose everything.
Men, it’s time to ditch our stoicism
Get on the golf course, go watch the Jets lose, get married, or find some new friends, drop in a pub, or hike with a pal. And call your doctor.
My friend and I.
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The information provided about wellness and health is for general informational and educational purposes only. We are not licensed medical professionals, and the content here should not be considered medical advice. Talk to a doctor before trying any of these suggestions.
