A hard-to-measure metric with a large impact on your well-being

Can you remember the first time you judged your figure? For me, it was on the cusp of adolescence. I read somewhere in a magazine that women should strive for the three “diamonds” (the white space between your limbs). A diamond between the ankles, one in the knees, and one between the thighs. And I wondered what it meant if I didn’t have them.

Whatever the trigger might have been, the message was the same — there was a right shape, and ours might not be it. As we get older, the Western ideal of being thin, young, and polished stays with us. And we can fall into the trap of wanting a body shape that isn’t our own, and perhaps never was.

To repair this relationship with our bodies we start with letting go of striving for “perfection” and move toward appreciation for a body that has seen us through the thick and thin of life so far.

A woman’s relationship with her body is challenging and complex, and it can intensify at midlife, when she can’t control many of the changes that happen. Research links body dissatisfaction to detriments in both mental and physical quality of life, with one study finding that women with high levels of body dissatisfaction are four times more likely to develop an eating disorder and twice as likely to attempt suicide.

It's easy to become trapped by cultural beauty ideals. Worrying about how we look can occupy more of our thoughts than appreciating how our bodies work or how we feel. Research, however, suggests women can move beyond these cultural ideals and develop greater body appreciation—valuing, respecting, and caring for the body they have.

Body appreciation is different from being satisfied with your appearance, and it may be a more meaningful goal. One widely cited study of women aged 18 to 75 found a clear positive relationship between age and body appreciation: older women reported significantly greater body appreciation than younger women, even though satisfaction with their shape and weight was similar across age groups. Researchers suggest that life experiences—such as a secure long-term relationship, a fulfilling career, or having children—can shift your perspective from judging your body to simply observing and appreciating it.

Put another way, your relationship with your body can improve even during seasons when you're less satisfied with how it looks.

Elizabeth Mann, a confidence and wellness coach, describes the shift that happens when a woman is willing to change her perception of herself: “As a woman starts trusting herself, making decisions with confidence, saying no without guilt, and honoring her boundaries, her relationship with her body becomes one of partnership instead of criticism,” says Mann.

Any outward transformation starts from the inside, adds Mann, and that can start with asking different questions. “How do I make my body smaller?” becomes “How do I support my body so I have the energy and strength to live the life I want?” It’s a small shift, but the impact on quality of life can be exponential

When you feel good, you’re that much more likely to nourish yourself with foods that support energy, move your body in ways that feel good, and value strength, resilience, and vitality over idealized perfection. The downstream health benefits support appearance in a way that worrying about appearance would just detract from.

“The biggest obstacle I see is comparison—comparing themselves to who they used to be, who they think they should be, or to other women around them,” says Mann. Science backs this up. Festinger’s Social Comparison Theory holds that individuals determine their own social and personal worth by comparing themselves to others, including peers, family, and people on social media. Women consistently engage in upward comparisons of their bodies, viewing them as ‘less than’ sociocultural standards.

What women can focus on is that feeling comfortable with yourself is attractive. And changing the definition of “attractive” takes you away from being stuck in an unhealthy narrative about your worth.

Mann recommends we start with the story we are telling ourselves about our bodies. From there, you can begin rewriting that story with compassion and curiosity instead of judgment. She also encourages her clients to intentionally show up for themselves every day, even in small ways.

This could be:

“These small acts build trust,” says Mann. “And when women begin trusting themselves again, everything else becomes easier because they’re no longer working against themselves. They’re working with themselves.”

The information provided about wellness and health is for general informational and educational purposes only. We are not licensed medical professionals, and the content here should not be considered medical advice. Talk to a doctor before trying any of these suggestions.